LOWER MERION School District
"All the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players."
- William Shakespeare
"All the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players."
- William Shakespeare
LMSD homeowner receives a higher appraisal after displaying Albums of the Beatles, Vacations in Rome, and replacing all items in the refrigerator with Casseroles.
"I feel disgraced, and I am shocked and appalled by the horrible nature of this area" states local Lower Merion resident Caleb Daniels, when receiving a significantly higher appraisal on his home in Lower Merion township after displaying vacations in Rome, Albums of the Beatles, and replacing the previous items in the refrigerator with Casseroles, such as Tuna, Spinach, Quinoa, and most importantly, Fresh Kale. After Caleb Daniel's shop at Whole Foods, he then called a local Starbucks and ordered the limited edition Pumpkin Spice Latte; Caleb emphasizes the importance of a house appraisal in fall, so one can purchase a Pumpkin Spice Latte, a useful technique that can increase a house's appraisal by up to 11.4%.
Caleb Daniels, after seeing his house appraisal rising from $453,000 to $582,000
New study shows that Lower Merion residents only need to cut fracking investments by 5.3% for them to feel like they're doing the best they can do.
Neuralink Patient in Lower Merion can't stop themselves from voting for Trump.
Week of 9/30
RARE VIDEO: Student actually watches LMSD committee meeting.
(10/2/2024)
Lower Merion School District implements a new policy allowing for a day of mourning every time the Eagles miserably lose a game.
(10/1/2024)
A nationwide movement has appeared demanding for a new day of mourning to be instated every time a home team miserably loses a game. Our news team interviewed a local LMSD representative and Eagles fan: "Our collapse of a defense has been miserable. Each day, I have to cry myself to sleep knowing that our team would have had more gained yards if we never even showed up to the stadium. I couldn't focus on my activities for a whole week after watching our defense act like toddlers on a slip 'n slide. After these past few games, I've purchased a Duolingo subscription and decided to learn Canadian.
After thorough examinations by the NFL Commitee, it has turned out that instead of paying attention to the game, Nick Sirianni has taken extensive bathroom breaks after installing 'new files' on the referee's instant replay devices.
Lower Merion High School replaces all toilet paper with reusable wipes to promote sustainability among students.
(9/30/2024)
Due to recent environmental concerns regarding the overuse of paper in Lower Merion, Lower Merion has introduced the "Zero Waste" policy, where they replace previously unsustainable products such as utensils, bandages, napkins, and toilet paper with new, reusable products. "This is merely a small step taken in the right direction," an LMSD parent states, "I'm very grateful to know that our children are learning the importance of renewability and sustainability in these schools. With the declining global environment, our students are challenging old ideals and are now learning the ever-important duty of environmentalism. This form of environmentalism at school now allows me to teach my children how to properly invest in a plastics industry at home."
These new reusable wipes and utensils will feature washing stations where students can collectively put their dirty utensils and wipes in a large barrel to clean them off. "We would use running water, but we're worried that we would be wasting valuable water," another LMSD parent explains, "Instead of wasting precious water, we will instead reuse the same water to clean our utensils so that our environment doesn't get damaged. This way, the environmental damage from my fracking business will be more than offset by our great deeds and contributions to environmentalism." Despite all of these benefits and great achievements, new concerns about the soap used being non-renewable have led to a new petition being released to replace non-renewable soap with essential oils instead.
Week of 9/23
Lower Merion High School adds new electives teaching students how to embezzle money; Class taught by a former LMSD school board member.
(9/26/2024)
In the United States, there has been a rise in people not knowing how to use basic financial literacy skills, and these statistics are blamed partially on secondary education. Recent complaints by parents about a lack of an effective financial education class have led to LMSD parents to protest, and this rise in action has led to the addition of two new electives to be added to Lower Merion High School: 'Embezzlement 101', and the higher-level 'Embezzlement 201: Senior Administrator Style'. Both classes are listed as honors classes worth 1.0 credits. "These classes are high-level classes taught by an expert in the field," an LMSD representative states, "I'm truly pleased to know that our students are taught real life skills, such as abusing a position of trust to turn money that isn't yours, into money that one can spend on an OnlyFans subscription."
Although the curriculum of the class is subject to change, the classes combined feature 10 units that range across a broad spectrum of tactics, such as embezzling school funds, tax evasion, credit fraud, and charity fraud. The tests are all written by people with real-world experience in the subject, and instead of being merely written tests, they involve unique scenarios for the students to attempt to embezzle money from. One scenario for a practice test is publicly available: "You are a representative of the school board of Lower Merion School district. You must figure out the highest rate of taxation you can raise for 'teacher salaries', and then systematically take away the majority of this money and develop a method to launder it to avoid both the residents of the township and the IRS noticing."
Please note that this article is not meant to target any individual LMSD senior administrator or board member.
LMSD Alumnus Biopic: Enough about Kobe Bryant, let's talk about Lawrence Summers.
(9/25/2024)
When thinking of LMSD alumni, most people often point their finger at Kobe Bryant, who was one of the most celebrated basketball players of all time. Although he is credited for his remarkable achievements, there is a potentially even more famous and powerful alumnus from Harriton: Lawrence Summers. Lawrence Summers was the Secretary of the U.S Treasury, President of Harvard, Director of the National Economic Council, investor in genocide, 'former' sexist, current racist, and of course, friend of the famous investor Jeffrey Epstein.
Lawrence Summers grew up in Penn Valley as the son of Robert and Anita Summers. After his early life in the very modest and working-class schools of Penn Valley and Harriton, he eventually graduated and decided to apply to MIT at the age of 16. After getting in (due to his parents's very modest situation of both being economists), Lawrence Summers decided quickly that instead of doing physics, he'd rather switch and become an economist.
Lawrence Summers later joined politics and rose the ranks to eventually become the prestigious secretary of treasury under the Bill Clinton administration. Although it is unclear when he learned and became friends with the world's favorite investor, it was apparent he was a great friend to Jeffrey Epstein during his time at the US Treasury. Also during his time as the secretary of treasury, he taught the leader of Russia, Boris Yeltsin, how to privatize the country of Russia and provided advice to several communist countries on how to profit off of their completely ethical actions.
After his time at the Treasury, Lawrence Summers became the 27th president of Harvard University, whereas he quickly attempted to cover his relations with Jeffrey Epstein faster than Bill Clinton covered up his relations with his intern. Lawrence Summers had a relatively fast career at Harvard after offending nearly every woman by claiming things such as women having "less potential." He also had relations with the world's 2nd favorite investor, Andrei Shleifer. He used his inside knowledge of Russia to try to sway over the Russian economy to make profit off of his investments under the 'good' name of Harvard, causing a major scandal.
After his resignation in disgrace, he met with one of the world's most respected leaders: Xi Jinping. Lawrence Summers began to pursue other business ventures in various prospects, such as Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, the Lehman Brothers, and the Uyghur Genocide. He was also considered to be a potential secretary of Treasury under Obama, but that idea was quickly shot down after his sexist behavior. Lawrence Summers is now an executive at the not controversial company: OpenAI.
[This Biopic is COMPLETELY satirical and any and all connections are merely a coincidence. This biopic is subject to being incorrect, and I know I have to specify all of this, as Lawrence Summers would have no problem suing a child].
LMSD Representative states: "Instead of giving teachers a raise, we're going to send them a free box of Krispy Kreme and an email of appreciation every 3 years."
(9/24/2024)
Recent concerns regarding district budgeting across the country have appeared, and LMSD is one to take note. According to one LMSD representative: "Although these 'benefits' are being lost, I believe it is incredibly important for us to focus on a new, nonmaterial viewpoint. Our district should rather be striving to build a sense of positive community between our teachers. Instead of focusing on tangible assets such as 'money' and 'salaries', our teachers will strive to learn these new approaches such as fostering relationships, and empowering others. With this form of 'empowerment' for teachers, I believe that our school will greatly benefit. I believe that teachers should also focus on enjoying things in the moment, like eating a box of Krispy Kreme rather than having future contractually mandated requirements such as 'healthcare' and 'retirement'. Our teachers will be so glad to know how much we appreciate their hard work every day, and that exceeds all material benefit."
Parents whom previously supported government-funded homeless shelters unexpectedly turn once new proposal suggesting a homeless shelter appear in Lower Merion Township.
(9/24/2024)
LMSD parents whom were in support of building homeless shelters in the city of Philadelphia (suddenly and completely unexpectedly) became shocked and appalled when they learned that their hard-earned venture capital money would have to be taxed. According to one LMSD parent: "Our very livelihoods will be taken away by this homeless shelter if it gets built. With these new suggestions, I don't believe I could afford these new taxes without having to sell a portion of my private equity, or my recently purchased 3rd BMW. When the lawmakers decide this shelter, please, think of our lives, and our children's futures, as they're at stake."
Another common concern LMSD parents have is the new danger that could appear from a new homeless shelter. Although they were previously pro-diversity, they (very unexpectedly and suddenly) turned to a new stance. This is another LMSD parent's words: "To think that my child will have to walk next to those people is a horrendous thought. Not that I'm racist or anything, I listen to plenty of rap music. I must however say that these new people could have a bad influence on my child's future, as the growing number of them concerns me. Not that I'm nativist or anything, as I support Kamala Harris, an Indian-born president."
Lower Merion School District adds new lawsuit feature in-website to allow ease of use for LMSD parents (whom are all lawyers).
(9/24/2024)
Due to the recent influx of lawsuits given to Lower Merion School District for their perfectly normal and justified actions, LMSD decided to save the time of all of the lawyers by introducing a new feature that allows parents to file lawsuits from just a click away. "This is a revolutionary new idea that will change our lives as we know it" an LMSD tech enthusiast says: "this new technology will allow us to complain about our problems such as this district illegally spying on kids through their supposedly safe and trustworthy computers, or discriminating against teachers based off of race. Since all of the LMSD parents are lawyers anyways, the district knows that it stands no chance at winning these lawsuits, hence making this new feature that much better."
Although a rising number of supporters are for this new feature, it still has its critics, like one Lower Merion resident: "This new 'technology' threatens our livelihoods. People are going to overuse it and it will eventually take away our jobs, and lead to society as a whole not knowing how to do basic actions such as filing lawsuits. It may be small now, but these big tech corporations like Amazon and Uber will take notice and start promoting this new technology to make it do things beyond human capabilities. Our spoiled next generation are going to become stupider and stupider, and eventually, we won't even know how to complain when LMSD realizes it wants more money to embezzle and then begins unfairly raising taxes by incredibly high margins."
Although people argue about whether these features are helpful, one thing remains clear: This will be one of the most impactful decisions in LMSD since that time they made an order that required all residents to wear Canada Goose jackets during winter.
After the off and away policy is instated, student asks: "What are we supposed to do in class now?"
(9/24/2024)
Both public and private schools across the country have been reinstating policies to ban cell phones due to them being scientifically proven to have 'harmful developmental and educational impacts on students'. Despite the supposed benefits these new policies have, there are several critics. According to a student at Harrtion Senior High School, they pose several questions: "Now that I don't have a phone to use while class is preparing for our up and coming AP exam, I really have no clue what they expect us to do. This feels disappointing that the school district has no back-up plan for what we're supposed to do now that we have no cell phone."
Due to the recent changes, some students have been finding new methods to circumnavigate the phone ban. According to a student at Lower Merion High School, they argue for the use of graphing calculators with a connection to the internet: "I get that it looks like a phone and does basically the exact same things as a phone, but I still do not understand why the school is so against it. Sure, I may have modified it so that the display was large enough for me to watch porn videos on, but overall the device is merely a calculator. I like to think of it as more of a "School laptop" that I use since it has buttons, just with a few differences like me being able to text and bypass the school firewall with it. All and all, I still don't understand why my english teacher wouldn't let me use a calculator on her test, I mean, isn't a calculator an educational tool?"
Overall some will criticize it, or love it, but this will remain with one thing certain: the school needs to be more clear on what exactly students are supposed to do if it is not going on one's phone.